Sunday, May 22, 2011

#3

"What if there was no light.
Nothing wrong, nothing right.
What if there was no time?
And no reason or rhyme?
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side.
That you don't want me there in your life.

What if I got it wrong?
And no poem or song..
Could put right what I got wrong,
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life. "

- coldplay

Friday, May 20, 2011

Forget you!

Go Back to May (1937)

I see them standing at the formal gates of their colleges,
I see my father strolling out
under the ochre sandstone arch, the
red tiles glinting like bent
plates of blood behind his head, I
see my mother with a few light books at her hip
standing at the pillar made of tiny bricks,
the wrought-iron gate still open behind her, its
sword-tips aglow in the May air,
they are about to graduate, they are about to get married,
they are kids, they are dumb, all they know is they are
innocent, they would never hurt anybody.
I want to go up to them and say Stop,
don’t do it—she’s the wrong woman,
he’s the wrong man, you are going to do things
you cannot imagine you would ever do,
you are going to do bad things to children,
you are going to suffer in ways you have not heard of,
you are going to want to die. I want to go
up to them there in the late May sunlight and say it,
her hungry pretty face turning to me,
her pitiful beautiful untouched body,
his arrogant handsome face turning to me,
his pitiful beautiful untouched body,
but I don’t do it. I want to live. I
take them up like the male and female
paper dolls and bang them together
at the hips, like chips of flint, as if to
strike sparks from them, I say
Do what you are going to do, and I will tell about it.

- Sharon Olds

Society

Something must be wrong with me. Something must've ...switched off.
Something must've happened to make me feel this way, else however could it make sense. It can't be labelled as a phase. It isn't temporary.
I've felt this way ever since... I've encountered loss. In any form. At any instance.
Perhaps the forced reflection that came along with it hardened what was once more soft.

People. What is it about them that always gets to me?
What is it about an awkward hello that makes it absolutely necessary for all of us to say it? What compels one to join a social networking site, when its easier - SO much easier to pick up the telephone and dial a number?
What is it about feigned emotions?

Remember those "Count the differences" pictures, where two pictures seem to be identical, but on having a closer look you can point out all of what you missed before? Its just that. Hostility hidden behind your concept of the 'picture perfect'.
Normal people are so hostile. Sometimes we don't even know why we are. Maybe its to get on top, right on top. But apparently its really quite lonely up there.

Norms - You saw your parents do it. You saw your friends do it. You saw the world talk about it. And so its true. We must accept and follow a collective opinion of what is "good" and "bad", and squash our emotions into a little suitcase, which eventually gets stacked behind many others in every last corner of our mutilated hearts; It's only for the greater good you see.
Society accepts us, only after we're done with the accepting.

Parents understand that a fine crystal glass has to be cared for or it may be shattered. But when it comes to their children, they do not seem to know or care that their course of action could bring about the kind of devastation that could cut them.
Ruined forever. The very foundation of us.
All these relationships, 'friends', Marriage - WOW. The mother of all of these... concepts (to say the least)
They don't mean anything to me, god. Even you don't, honestly.
Pandora's Box. Despair. Is that what I'm left with now?

Its not that I don't believe in anything. I feel close to nature.
I believe in a higher power, the universe.
I love my brother alot, sometimes I cry when I watch him sleep at night.
I believe that I can feel these emotions, because I'm human.
But that doesn't obligate me to fake how I feel.

I'm not rash or rebellious. I know its smarter to just "play along" and fit in.
Funnily enough, thats where morality kicks in - and not the kind of morality you hear about all the time. My values belong to me. I follow my own "code".
I think that everytime I mold myself into a new 'version' of me, I kill myself a little bit on the inside. Sure for a moment or two the boundaries fade. I actually feel like I am the person I'm pretending to be. But we'd all be in hell, as Carl Jung would believe, if there was complete congruence between us and 'fake' us.

Emotion is real. Pain is real. Love is real.
So real it'll make you cry. You'll feel the blood run through your veins.
As real as the wind blowing in your face. As the many tall trees which stand together through every thunder storm. As real as the fish in the sea, and the clouds in the sky. You'll be vulnerable in the face of something you have no control over.

It's easy to be satisfied with lies. They're far more comforting, believe me.
But the truth comes along with an instant sense of gratification.
Something to finally fill up the void with.
And if being 'antisocial' (define that now, would you?) means being honest about how I feel towards most people and their respective bullshit, then I'm the meanest person around. I'm absolutely alone.
But if you reach me...really.. reach me, I could be the best friend, obedient daughter. The forgiving sister, the loving wife.

R.I.P

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Lol.

X: You could use one of mankind's most effective weapons.
Y: ?
X: A hug
Y: VENDETTA
Y: oh

Friday, May 6, 2011

Slack Tide.

"Theres a moment sailors called 'Slack tide' when the tide is neither coming in nor going out, but perfectly still. Its a moment frozen in time, where all is calm and peaceful. The only downside to it is that it passes so quickly. As much as we might like somethings to remain suspended in time, they never do."



Problems



We all have them, right? Big - small. Life changing - Not important in the long run. (though somehow somewhere in my heart I do believe that each and every one of them has a long lasting effect on us.) When faced with one, you can react in so many different ways. But do they ever stop raining down on us? I feel like that unlucky dude with a grey cloud always above my head.
Funny thing is, we kind of make things worse for ourselves. I mean unless you're living in a home where there are certain circumstances you can't help, or you have cancer, or you were living in the wrong part of Japan about a month back (You get my point). But even then, the way we choose to deal with our so called "problems" depends on us.
Some people say that after the bad times come the good times, you know all the silver lining theory and what not. But today I realized that things just don't work that way. Sure, you can have a perfect moment, or two. But sooner or later, somethings bound to go wrong; Problems never end. Its upto you to learn how to be happy anyway, no matter what. That grey clouds always gonna be there, out with the umbrellas!