together

I break into crystals 

at will

just because I can

crumbling into tiny prisms that glitter

refraction of light to exactitude 

that filters through my being

thereafter

nonchalantly

accumulating myself

into a bunched whole

I have ascended 

from moment when 

over any calamitous occurance

I would explode, implode, fragmentalize

or shatter to smithereens 

like splinter of shivering glass 

No more...

I shall not impair my brilliance 

by becoming sorry shard

dug in my core

I am in control

Deepika Marwah

insecurity

it is interesting to witness, the colorful eccentricities which characterize and ultimately become source traits for the individuals that i have been lucky (and on various circumstances rather unlucky) to include in my limited understanding of life. the complexity of the human mind, which influences human behaviour, never ceases to amaze and amuse me. i have noticed a stark change in my own habits and temperament, for example, around forces/beings newer to my lifetime, which 'radiate' the light of their own personalities - the light does not hit me and deflect, rather i absorb some of the energy and incorporate it into my own. i am not entirely sure if these defective changes of energy are cemented into permanency, however have come to the conclusion that since we are still in our formative years, our perceptions are constantly subjected to change - that is to say we have lived every moment hitherto as formless - the concrete did not exist for it to crack or crumble.

though i stand a spectator a midst these various energies, most clearly visible to me is my own energy. what exists internally is not a morbid, perverse monster afraid of being seen in its true form... rather a secretive, seductive, deeper alertness, too close to my ego and consciousness to be let out into such a dynamic environment. thus i shield myself from the blinding intensity of my surroundings, and introduce to you a dampened version of my light, that is to say a 'sane' version of myself, containing the crazy to an inconspicuous, diminutive... "spark".

for those of you who look for real light shining from the depths of any individual, it is rarely found and difficult to miss. you will instantly realize that you are in the company of those who have already understood and come to terms with who they really are. those lucky ones existing in peace with their own energies, influencing rather than being influenced, shining their sun-like rays upon everything else, only to be admired, while i continue to flicker in doubt.

temptation, frustration
so bad it makes him cry
beneath your perfume and make up
youre just a baby in disguise
get out of here
before you have the time of your life
the time to change your mind
dont stand
dont stand so close to me
young girl, youre out of your mind
your love for me is way out of line

or
set your mind at rest
and let your dreams run free

it is unbelievably difficult to do the right things, and painfully easy to do the wrong things.

Strip

You're not the real deal
Not the one in the shades
You're still hiding in the dark
Just too afraid

Not the one to make phone calls
or drive around town
Not the one people run to
Not the typical clown

You're not the types to say no
But you just wont say yes
You don't fit into jeans
yet you refuse a dress

Trying too hard
But you can always do better
Too much weight on your shoulders
Only wearing a sweater

Take it all off
Strip down till nothings left
except the emptiness which defines you
The kind you know best

All in all, you're just another kid in a box

Little boxes on the hillside

Little boxes made of ticky tacky

Little boxes on the hillside

Little boxes all the same

Theres a pink one and a green one

And a blue one and a yellow one

And they are all made out of ticky tacky

And they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses

All went to the university

Where they were put in boxes

And they came out all the same

And theres doctors and lawyers

And business executives

And they are all made out of ticky tacky

And they all look just the same. 

And they all play on the golf course

And drink their martinis dry

And they all have pretty children 

And the children go to school

And the children go to summer camp

And then to the university

Where they're put in boxes 

And they come out all the same. 

And the boys go into business

And marry and raise a family

In boxes made of ticky tacky

And they all look just the same.

Theres a pink one and a green one 

And a blue one and a yellow one

And they are all made out of ticky tacky

And they all look just the same.

- Malvina Reynolds, from the soundtrack of "Weeds."

Tarana Banana's Theme.

"you are someone else...but i am still right here."

surrender

an utterance of those words which terrify me so, and once they're out - they're out. a few glorious moments of liberation. thats all i wanted - but then those eyes stopped me. everytime i look into them i fail to understand what lies within. all i can see is a reflection of myself - and i see too much. here i am again, so vulnerable, so ready to give you absolutely everything i have to offer. here i am, inches away from your face, breathing heavily, wondering how to formulate into words these cluttered, confused thoughts. here you are, holding me by my hair and demanding from me exactly what i can't give you...and then you despise me! i remember the warm breath that lightly grazed my ear when you calmed me. i remember the quiet tremble of my voice when i denied you that convenience, pushing you away though i desperately wanted to pull you closer. i remember how every moment became torturous when time seemed to slow down, and there was no-one in the world but you and i. as if it wasn't hard enough to ignore your mere presence; you made it harder for me to hold my own with those lips...made it so easy to believe all your lies. i know who you are, but it doesn't matter to me anymore.

If I should stay, 
I would only be in your way. 
So I'll go, but I know 
I'll think of you every step of the way. 

And I will always love you. 

Bittersweet memories 
that is all I'm taking with me. 
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry. 
We both know I'm not what you need. 

And I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 

They say the grass is always greener on the other side.
They say there is a huge difference between what you want and what you need.
They say there is conflict between your head and your heart.

...They didn't happen to mention a way out, did they?

flux.

My name is Tarana. I'm 5"3, with light brown eyes and pale skin. I have many questions, but unfortunately, I lack answers. You'll often find me staring at the clouds, grinning with a lost air. There is a certain urgency in my thought, frailty in my action. There are many others like me. One would believe after countless nights lost to contemplation, we would come to conclusion of sorts. In time though, we will come to realize that the answers lie somewhere deep within us. Though I envy the sorts who make their decisions quickly, and shove their flags into the ground without a second thought, I feel proud to be confused.
In my confusion, I am able to digress and see beyond what is. I am able to perceive the world and its interesting inhabitants with an unbiased eye. I am a pallet, which can be painted any color I wish it to be. I am a fool who knows nothing, but will always be eager to learn more than those who believe they know it all.  I am in a constant state of flux, pushing harder and harder to find true meaning in life, even if sometimes I feel it is all in vain, that is to say our existence is merely a biological consequence - which perhaps it is.
I am the indecisive, I am the thinker. My "unsure" stance might be mistaken for an immature one, but this is who I am. My truth lies in not the answer, but in looking for it. I am and will always be entranced by the journey, and by those who I feel are worth being in mine. 

would like to profess my newfound love and respect for  MASSIVE ATTACK

perfect pitch.

hi.

working with a band is fun. its interesting because you take time not just to compose and synchronize, but also to get to know the other members - their strange habits, sense of humor, colloqialisms... their limits. you become attuned to their frequencies and for just a little while, you experience a song from their point of view. maybe you have an opportunity to learn more. or maybe you ultimately learn that perhaps, just as two notes might clash, two people might clash as well, that is to say two streams of thought might clash, two opinions or two perspectives might clash. or perhaps you may work in harmony, and together create something unlike anyone has ever heard. it really depends on your judgement. do you have the ear for the right notes?

50 year old's wish.

"Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first. Sometimes the first thing you want never comes. And I know, the waiting is all you can do... Sometimes." 

 

 

Gorillaz.

Things have gotten closer to the sun
And I've learnt this in small doses

So don't think that I'm pushing you away

When you're the one that I kept closest

my cute dogs.

Does everyone else add background music to the odd happenings in their everyday life? As I was watching my extremely fat dog look deep into the distance and think about his life yesterday afternoon, I complimented the glaze in his eyes and the pain in his heart with a melancholic piece - that I obviously sang out loud, after which my brother joined in and completely ruined the simplicity of it all.

Also, I've been thinking what it'd be like if zoey thought in the voice of Queen Elizabeth.

Brain, shut up please.

Sometimes.... I need a real strong coffee to convince myself that that the thoughts i pen down aren't just bitter ramblings of a neurotic teenager. The coffee doesn't help, though i'm getting better at drinking it.

I think it's a pain.
Whats a pain?
This constant pretense. This unnecessary importance given to such insipid people. 

Who knew song writing could be fun?

Holding on to whats left
Your faith will carress you
Looking for something that just isn't there
Face up! Its time to fly away

We heard your prayer
We're waiting there

Into the bright light
With wings unfurled
Dreams unwind in
This brand new world

Taste the rapture
Time is blurred
Touch and capture
A brand new world

So is your purpose shaking?
Dont break down when your hope is lost
And looking for words to say
Discover the strength to find your way

I can see you wanting to believe
In something that is greater than you or me
And so you finally start to see
That you have the power in you to break free


Into the bright light
With wings unfurled
Dreams unwind in
This brand new world

Taste the rapture
Time is blurred
Touch and capture
A brand new world

first days.

hello.
i think sometimes i get lost in my world of preconceived notions and begin to behave, around people, in ways i wouldn't otherwise. i tell myself that i'm not judgemental, someone makes one wrong move, there is something inside that subtly breaks, and suddenly i'm doomed to an uncomfortable conversation filled with small talk and bad humor - or no talking at all. i understand that a mans reputation may not always precede him, that first impressions are overrated and that words whispered in bathrooms and corridors may only be words - unfortunately harsh ones at that. so why do i succumb to this biased version of myself? believing that your views are always hidden away safely inside of you would be making a mistake, especially since your attitude shapes your behavior...immediately or eventually. i wish i could be more comfortable with certain habits, and more care free around those who i can't relate to. i wish i could rid myself of all inhibitions and learn to embrace the different kinds of people who surround me today, or at least embrace whats good in each of them, for there is always good.

"Torn between two lovers feeling like a fool, loving both of you is breaking all the rules" (Mary MacGregor).

Burn

Why is it that every time you come into my life, you bring about such chaos?

You usurp my time, sneaking into the little cracks and corners of my mind, seeking to consume me completely. 

You're a destructive, ubiquitous force. A flame winded by yours truly until you break out into a fire that slowly burns my world until there's nothing left but a pile of ashes that once were, my hopes and dreams.
Why is it that every time you come into my life, you bring about such chaos?
It is only because I allow you to.

Pull me into your trap, before I know better, for I wish to be seduced by you.

People say that there is beauty in ultimate destruction...a celebration in loss!

Before you leave, remember to turn around and watch me burn.

If I turn into another...

We all have a weakness

But some of ours are easy to identify.

Look me in the eye

And ask for forgiveness;

We'll make a pact to never speak that word again

Yes you are my friend.

We all have something that digs at us,

At least we dig each other

So when weakness turns my ego up

I know you'll count on the me from yesterday

If I turn into another

Dig me up from under what is covering

The better part of me

Sing this song

Remind me that we'll always have each other

When everything else is gone.

We all have a sickness

That cleverly attaches and multiplies

No matter how we try.

We all have someone that digs at us,

At least we dig each other

So when sickness turns my ego up

I know you'll act as a clever medicine.

If I turn into another

Dig me up from under what is covering

The better part of me.

Sing this song!

Remind me that we'll always have each other

When everything else is gone.

Oh each other....

When everything

Else is gone.

Admiration

Could you move in slow motion?
Everything goes by so fast 
Just slow down a little 
Save the best part for last

You speak in riddles 
Your intentions turn me on 
I'm your's forever 
Will you love me when I'm gone?

The Last.

Hello, hello. (yes I sang that out.)

This is a farewell blogpost. Though it is kind of late, this site is dead now. I suppose I just had to finish it off.

I was a different person when I created this blog. After two years, now, I find I stand in a good place.
I wont write anymore, whatever I feel will remain personal. Stuck in my head forever. Infact, the only kind of way i'm going public is on stage. Hopefully in the one year that I've given myself I can go way up and finally reach my dream college - Juilliard.

That is all my life is going to be about now. I don't have a minute to waste.
And so if you see me performing anytime soon, you'll cheer me on I hope.

Thank you for reading and sharing my experiences as if they were your own, even though this blog was meant to be more of a diary, it was after all on the internet.
And most of all, thank you for being a part of my life.