My idol. For today. Or maybe for eternity.

I LOVE YOU MARRY ME PLEASE I CAN COOK BETTER THAN HER

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. In my defense, I was a VERY bored hamster.
(Theres a video up there, but it might take some 30 seconds to appear aite?)



^ I took a snapshot. With flash. I think I look kinda like MJ :|

"How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you're carrying a backpack. I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life... you start with the little things. The shelves, the drawers, the knickknacks, then you start adding larger stuff. Clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV... the backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. You go bigger. Your couch, your car, your home... I want you to stuff it all into that backpack. Now I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office... and then you move into the people you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your brothers, your sisters, your children, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack, feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises. The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks."

^ that was my front garden, back in gurgaon.
I miss that house so much :( It was so beautiful.

Photos.

{I used to randomely edit alot.}

My god, they're brilliant. Their versions are so much better than the originals!

www.helenamaria.com

*stops playing piano*
"Hello?"
"AMIGAAAAD THAT WAS AWESOME. Shit man, I mean.. shit! Tarana you're amazing. I love you yaa, you totally cheered me up! How did you play like that?!"
"HAHAHA. Okay!"
"No seriously, mann. I love you. And I just recorded the whole thing."
"I love you too. Wait, WHAT?"
"I'm making it my ringtone. Im going to make everyone hear this."

**

*points at bed*
"Can I sit there?"
"No."
*sits*
"I love maggi. But not on a plate."
"It tastes better on a plate."
"You can't cook."
"Yes I can."
"I like your TV."
"I like you."
"NOT ON MY HAIR YOU IDIOT. NOT ON MY HAIR! THATS GOING TO TAKE YEARS TO WASH OFF, OH YOU WAIT-"
*plates crashing, maid staring*

**

"HIIIIII!"
"Since when do you sneak up on me like that?"
"Since you wear those slutty socks of yours. Pull them down, you look like a japanese porn star."
"Nice. Real nice. Im fine thanks, and how was your day? OI! PUT ME DOWN-"

**

"My foots still tender, I can't walk all the way there. Theres no way."
"Why don't you pick her up?"
"I could do that."
"Wait, what? WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP DOING THAT?"
*picks me up*
"Haha. Because you're kind of tiny. But, whoa, not exactly light."
*walking down Defence Colony*
"It'd be so weird if we ran into anyone familiar.."
"HEY! YOU!"
"Uh, whats up guys?"
"I'm Tarana. Nice to umm, finally meet you."

**

"Wanna lie down instead?"
"Yeah, I'm getting tired of craning my neck to talk to you anyway.."
"Thats cause you're short. And canadian."
*pause*
"So what was it like there anyway?"
"The people were different, but Indias not that bad either. You know, when I first came here everyone hung out with other people."
"Really?"
"I could tell you about it, but it'd take all night honestly."
"Oh, well..."
"Wanna hear a good song? Open up "The Legendary", playlist in my ipod. Listen to Violet hill by Pendulum. You'll thank me later."
"We look kinda weird right now. Why did everyone leave the good people downstairs to make out upstairs?!"

**

"Words cant express the way I feel about you, its just.. a feeling. I cant put it in any other way. Maybe through song, I don't know. All I know is that I love you, right now. This is real. What I feel, is so real. When I shut my eyes its what I know."
"Tarana, I said just that, JUST THAT, to you a week ago."
"Damnit."

**

"I hate her. She isn't even pretty."
"Umm, yes she is."
"Thats WHY she isn't pretty. Waise you know, *****'s really cute."
"Umm, no he isn't?"
"Believe me. He is."
"Thats WHY he isn't naa."

**

Your words took time.

Your words took time
to sink in...
and scissor my soul.

My eyes took time
to focus...
at your retreating back.

The knife took time
to plunge..
deeper into the wound.

The rain took time
to wipe...
the protest off my lips.

The pain took time
to shrink...
to a smaller size.

The time took time
to move...
in a clockwork direction.

Each year took time
to erase...
yet another memory.

...Except for my heart
that somewhat ceased to tick,
before your words took time
to sink in...
and scissor my soul.

Deepika Marwah

Isn't my mom just awesome?

There are too many questions
There is not one solution
There is no resurrection
There is so much confusion
There are too many options
There is no consolation
I have lost my illusions
What I want is an explanation
There is no comprehension
There is real isolation
There is so much destruction
What I want is a celebration

And I know I can feel bad
When I get in a bad mood
And the world can look so sad
Only you make me feel good

Madonna

*!~#(

These are some of the bacteria I'm studying about.

I know that sounds scary, but they're kinda cool to look at :)
(Btw has anyone noticed that I promised I wouldnt post for 4 days, and yet theres a post for every day after that? Shit.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXPWh2Jk1nc&feature=related"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwAWNIzPpl0&feature=related

^ they're AMAZING.

WHEN IS IT COMING OUT?!

♪ ✴ dr∃ ams ♛ ❥

My brother pointed out something to me yesterday.
To be honest, he's been saying it for a while now, but I never really gave a damn - afterall he's young and dumb.

I hope he reads this later.

Anyway all this while he's been telling me that I'm "dreamy". Wtf does that even mean right?
He says it to me 500 times per day - if I lose my glasses, or talk about my future career options, or even discuss issues with peers. Dreamydreamydreamy.
"You're an idiot, Tarana." "Seriously? YOU'RE BEING DREAMY AGAIN."
I didn't get what he was saying until mom explained it to me in the car yesterday, as we were on our way to Fresco - this AWESOME restaurant in Ambience, I feel so happy suddenely - but more on that later.
Mom also explained to him that his observations were brilliant - but his terminology was disgusting, and that he should read more to become articulate, after which I laughed at him, and in response, he stole my ipod earphones. Not cool.
ANYWAY, what he meant by dreamy, was that I was always lost in my own little world. Now that sounds very cute ya? In reality, its disasterous.

In my world - inspired by countless television shows, movies, books yaddayadda - everythings pretty much perfect.

I seem to expect more out of everything, the high school experience, parties, families, and most of all - people.
I keep wanting things to happen in a certain way, I keep fantasizing about a life that really lives upto the all the quotes that people've written about it.

It like going to a restaurant thats been globally acknowledged for how bloody amazing the lobster is, and then being presented with a shitty undercooked substitute.

Alot of times I look outside my window, wishing I lived somewhere more beautiful.
I keep thinking about leaving, but then when I get to the other side - I miss the way things were back then.

Life is overrated. Truth is, the kind of things I want are things I might never have.

Perhaps all the people walking on the red carpet, singing on stages, acting in movies - perhaps they aren't as sparkly clean as they look. Perhaps they look in the mirror and wish they were just like us.
I keep complaining about how I never fit in, I fight so hard to go there, pretend to have the time of my life, and come home with a sullen face.
How the hell are people happy with what they have? How do you do that?
And why isn't life like a television show? Why on earth would they want people to experience life outside of the box - but then take it away from them in just a few hours?

I want someone to quote me. I want to get drunk with Brooke Davis, or perform surgery with Grey. I want to outsmart House, or kick Batman's ass.
I want background music to play a hellogoodbye song while I make out with the jock.
I want to switch places with my mom, or save my son from being kidnapped.
I want friends that will actually, grow old with me. I want to go to a concert and have the time of my life.
I want Regina George to talk about me.
I want to live in with my best friend.
I want to have a paintball fight with Heath Ledger.
I want to be motherfucking rich like Blair, or die of overdose like Jim Morrison.
Actually scratch that last one.
I want to drive around with some guy I just met in a yellow car, looking for "wheres fluffy".
I want a best friend like Peyton Sawyer.
I want to fucking meet Juno, and Harry.
I want hair like Avrils, and a voice like Amy Lee's.

I want people who I can relate to. Why is it so easy to relate to a character on television, or in a story - but not in real life?
Its frustrating, and I sound incredibly stupid, but I'm actually being honest this time. I don't think I'll ever be happy unless I learn to accept that life isn't really like the movies; I'll be secretly stuck as the misfit forever.
I certainly can't reside in my bubble, no matter how exhilarating it is.
Its either that, or I find a way to live the crazy life that I dream about, or magically stumble upon the people I've been waiting for.

This whole situation is kind of sad, seeing how he understood more than I did, and faster than I did.
But seriously, Bravo little dude.
You've just understood, like many before you have in the past, that I'm uh, indefinately screwed.

serendipity

Turns out the turquoise shuffle I lost was in the bank for some strange reason.

BOOYAH

Plus I kinda reconnected with the 8th grade me, since all my old music was still stored in it.

"You know, even with the wind blowing your hair all over the place, you look beautiful."

I think about that sometimes. I dont know whats more painful to remember; his eyes, which were at complete odds with his statement - or the fact that he was saying things just to make me feel better about the futility of what we'd just done.

[ obsessed ]

It was cold and foggy. Her fingertips were numb, as was she.
Her ipod was set to shuffle, playing songs a good musician would appreciate.
She was dressed oddly for the occasion; fuchsia pink scarf, grey coloured cap, watermelon flavoured lip balm, with one thick line of eyeliner just above her lashes, a sequined black shirt with a denim jacket to hide most of it, black stockings to match with her nails and, fur boots. She smelt delicious, and yet unoriginal - You'd guess Dior.
No-one touches up just before jumping off a bridge, but she liked that she was an exception. It was what defined her in a sense.
She was the kind of girl who wanted to stand out. She hoped that people would remember her, maybe even write about her someday. Her life was all about working incredibly hard to be an inspiring figure - the unattainable one, the dreamer, the intellect, the broken soul that needed saving, the fighter - all in one. She wanted more than anything to be desirable, hell, ever since she was a little girl.
It was an old, faithful OCD, that knawed at her... every moment... of every day.
She sought after to be sought after. She needed to be needed.
She was haunted to be wanted.
Her fantasies blinded her to a simple, ironic truth - that perhaps, she need not have had to work so hard if someone were only to take out the time to understand the strange, exquisite world inside of her head.
She was either loved, or hated deeply. She did not believe in, and therefore constantly avoided the colour grey. Her language was attractive, decorated; calculating, manipulative. For the rare few who understood the real depth of her insecurities, she destroyed relations right away, for they knew too much.
God to the pope, was spotlight to this girl. She had faith in the crowds, because she knew that their approval was all that kept her going. She needed to feed them more and more;
Which is why she was here tonight. Brooklyn bridge, 1:34 am.
She was going to leave them devastated, baffled, talking about her for decades.
She was Jim Morrison. She was destructive. She was outrageous.
She was hollywood. She was way out there. She was just too much.
She was a broken hearted man at the bar. She was breaking all rules tonight.
A drop of warmth slid slowly down her cheek, betraying her, but only to herself.
She fiddled with her hair, her decisions.
She thought briefly of her family; It had been the only constant in her life, however much of a disaster it was. They took her the way she was. Would she be dying alone?
She was scared of what was happening, she needed to be told that it was all going to alright. She needed desperately for someone to make her that promise. Maybe her mother?
Rubbing her hands together, she stared up at the starry night sky, thinking fearfully once again, about how small she really was.

***

Suicide. The first time I write something, and its about suicide.

I want to say so much, but I dont really know if I should. I'm kind of sorry. And angry. Hell, I miss you. But you dont, aw screw it

For Diya.

I was just going through your tumblr, and I realized that you were right.
By god woman, almost EVERYTHING in here is already in there.
This is pathetic.
Also, I miss you, very very much.

*After Glee*

I just watched the first two, AWESOME episodes.
The new kids are amazing; billionaire dude did have a weird mouth, and the short vietnamese girl gave me hope.

[I guess you can get somewhere with your voice - even if you're a hobbit.]

DUDE I WANNA HAVE A WEIRD BRITNEY SPEARS FANTASY WTF
Lea michele looks fantastic. The second season is more interesting than the first. And the songs they're covering just get better and better. Weeeeeeeeeeee!
I love glee. Its one of my favourite TV shows. Not only because of the amazing music - Okay maybe only because of the incredible new versions of so many songs that they've managed to make but, also because they kinda show people as they are.
No-ones perfect you know? Everyones insecure. Everyones flawed.
Everyone has to go through some really tough times.

Its like chicken soup for the soul, only the chickens been given a mike this time.. and its cockadiddledooing its way upto broadway.
^ That was weird.

Anyway the third episode is about something Im not very keen of even writing about.
No, not Justin Bieber, god.
I'm sorry, but its bullshit. This whole thing we've got going on about someone "upstairs" looking after us, making all the right choices for us;
Its complete rubbish. Its just peoples way of feeling better about the fact that they're going to die one day.

A while ago, I really liked someone. The guy I liked was very religious, maybe because his mom was religious.
I saw alot of his world, I was opened upto more than I could ever have imagined.
I saw so many people coming together, they seemed to be happy, happier than me.
I met a lady who looked at me and made me feel warm inside. I started to believe in appreciating the higher power, and taking better care of myself.
I had some of the best times of my life when I was with him.
More importantly though, I was infatuated by the whole situation going on up there.
But it lead to a disaster.
Being sixteen, stupid and messed up - just like all of us are - we made mistakes and we stopped talking.
That chapters over now, as much as I want to believe different.
But god?
Where were you when I looked for answers? When I felt alone at night? Begged for things to change?
Wasn't I suppose to have been feeling better about anything that went on in my life?
The argument for this is that "whatever happens, happens for the better."

Who the fucks to say I wouldn't have lived happily ever after?

All I know is that I was fooled into believing that you control things that happen down here, whereas what really happens is that we make our own choices, and our own mistakes.
There are things Ive done, which've lead to other things. There are certain positions I've been stuck in, and no matter WHAT I could've come up with, absolutely nothing would've helped me change things.

You did NOT help me. You made me feel like a jackass, actually.
For just one moment, you made me believe that if I came to you with my problems, you would make it all better.

You gave me false hope.
You made me want to mend my ways. I felt guilty for having hurt people in the past, but wait hold on a second, haven't they hurt me too?
And have they all been feeling the way I felt just then?
Hasn't EVERYONE made someone cry at some point? Its just human nature.
Also, if I sit down and count the number of times I looked up and prayed, and nothing changed, I'd have a sore ass.
You've been trying to morph us all into angels that poop butterflies and read bibles, and yet, you haven't been giving back for a million damn years.
But then again, thats not your fault. You don't exist.
You're like santa for adults.

Also, you make me want to gag.

Maybe Im just bitter right now, but that wont stop me from believing in one thing -
If you want to feel better, you have to change something by yourself.
Life's about trying your hardest to do just that, and then dealing with it and moving on to new things if it just doesnt work out.
God this went so off topic. Go glee!

*Before Glee*

GUESS WHAT?
Wait for it.

GLEE!!!

Okay I'm like 40 years late for this, but I am ABOUT to start the second season. Three new episodes! Rachel and Finn! And I've heard that Sue's got a whole lot of shit coming her way this time.
Do I sound like I'm spazzing out?
ITS BECAUSE I AM.
Theres a new blonde kid too, but alot of people don't like his mouth?
And they covered toxic, empire state of mind, billionaire, and.. THE ONLY EXCEPTION!
BWAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA GEEEEEEEEEELEGLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[stares at what she just wrote]
[stares at GaGa]

#2.04

"There's an old proverb that says you can't choose your family. You take what the fates hand you. And like them or not, love them or not, understand them or not... you cope. Then there's the school of thought that says the family you're born into is simply a starting point. They feed you, and clothe you, and take care of you until you're ready to go out into the world and find your tribe."